Five years since we lost you…

As I sit here, having just watched the gorgeous Christmas advert – Love is a gift – I am stunned. Not only stunned at the absolute beauty of that video but because it will be five years, today actually, that I lost my Mum. Five years and it feels like yesterday. 

I have never really been able to wrap my head around my Mum dying, I’m unsure I ever will. With her living abroad since my early twenties, I was always used to her not being there, you know? She was never down the road to pop in for a cup of tea. She was never a bus ride away to meet up for some shopping in town. She was always an ocean away, with the addition of a time difference. 

{Her forever home}

To add insult to injury, I can’t just pop over to her graveside to wipe down her headstone or lay her down some pretty flowers. She’s laid to rest in Spain. She is a whole 1,749.2 miles away, to be exact – and I hate that. I have to accept that those where her wishes – to reside in Spain – but I doubt I will ever be OK with her being so far away. 

I have been to her grave twice, in the five years since she died. The day we laid her to rest and three years following that day. It’s not the easiest of places to get too – or the cheapest! But next year I plan to take my next trip over because even though she is gone, it’s still nice to be close to her. Or at least, closer than I am {physically} right now. The fact that I am a 38yr old woman, shouldn’t dampen the fact that a child still needs her Mum. 

{Our last photo together – back in 2012}

Getting through this day, every year I’d like to say gets easier. But, it’s still so incredibly painful and do you what else? It sucks! It royally sucks that she is gone and I am lost for words that it has been five whole years since that dreaded phone call and hearing the words that she had died. 

I still haven’t reconnected my home phone into the wall since that night, because, she was the only one to ever call me on there. I couldn’t bear ever hearing it ring and for her not to be on the other end of the line – so I’ve just unplugged it and binned it. I cannot listen to Ed Sheeran’s Supermarket Flowers song because it is soul-crushingly apt or the song I played on repeat {Saving Grace by Flyleaf} from the moment I heard she was poorly, to the moment I landed in Spain for her funeral. 

{By her resting place}

So before I melt into a puddle of heartache and tears – which I seem to be refusing myself to do – I am going to end this post. Tonight I will take my children to see Beauty and the Beast in the Waterfront Hall, then I will come home, put them to bed and light my Mums candle. I will pour myself a glass of something delicious and raise a glass to her memory, which is my own annual tradition. 

I just cannot believe it has been five years already…

I miss you, Mum. I truly, truly do…I hope wherever you are, that you are making people smile with that hilariously and filthy laugh of yours {which you passed on to me, thanks for that!} and that you aren’t cleaning up after someone because there was hardly a time that you didn’t have a brush in your hand! 

{I told you, she always had a brush in her hand!}

Five years though Mum, how the hell did that happen?

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