Handling Mother’s Day without your Mother

When your phone rings at 11 pm at night, 9 times out of ten it’s never a good thing. Especially since your Mum was in critical condition in a Spanish hospital. I answered frantically asking immediately “Is everything ok?” and that’s when my world crumbled. “She died” were the next words I heard. I can recall my knees feeling weak along the urge to hurl right where I stood & saying “No, no, no, please, no.”

It’s hard to imagine your life without your Mum in it until she’s gone. She fell ill so incredibly fast. The moment she was rushed to the hospital to her passing was just a few short days. It was all a massive blur. Making phone calls to Spain, trying to discuss her condition with a language barrier. Arranging a flight over to be with her. It was a bit of a nightmare.

Mothers day without a MotherI doubt I will ever forget that flight over to Alicante airport. Trying to keep it together as I tried to process the reality of everything. My life had taken a hit. There was an unfathomable shift and it was almost like an outer body experience. I remember trying to block out the chatter of my two aunts who were with me, by blasting the same song on repeat that I had playing when I was willing my Mum to survive.   Saving Grace by Flyleaf.

It’s a shame it didn’t work. 

Just the other day, as I was at the local shop the counter assistant, asked me a question; “Are you sorted for Mothers day?.” I was asked as she patted the Milk tray on the counter. Clearly looking to shift them and obviously unaware that my Mother died 3 & a half years ago. I mean, how would she know!?
Mothers day without a Mother
I was so taken back by the question but I didn’t want to embarrass her. I didn’t want to tell her that I no longer had my Mum around to buy a Mothers day gift for. So I lied. I fumbled for a moment before responding with “She’s not really the chocolate type”, obviously feeling bad for fibbing but glad I avoided making her feel awkward.

Although, upon leaving the store I felt a pang of sadness. This will be my third Mothers day motherless and that really sucks. The other hurdle of handling Mothers day without a Mother and my Mother, in particular, is the harsh reality of her not being buried in the UK. She lived & died in Orihuela, Spain and that is where she wished to rest. So, taking her flowers is a bit tricky. 

After she passed away I bought a ‘Mum’ candle and that gets lit on every Mothers day, every birthday of hers that she has missed and at Christmas. That is my Mothers day gift to her; by lighting a simple candle and putting her in the forefront of my thoughts. Because, if I am honest, it’s too painful to have her constantly there in my mind. Even almost four years on, the pain is still there, it’s still very raw and it still hurts like hell.

I think having to be strong during Mothers day is the toughest of days to get through. I mean, it’s a day dedicated to making our Mums feel special & I’d be lying if I didn’t envy those who still have their Mums to treat. For a long time my Mother and I didn’t get on, but during her final years, we rekindled {thankfully} and I would give anything to be able to give her a Mothers day treat. We were so estranged. for so long that we never celebrated it together.
Mothers day without a MotherI find it hard to ‘celebrate’ Mother’s day {for obvious reasons} because it’s a day where I tend to remember my Mum most. But I need to turn that around into celebrating it more than I ever have before. For both her & me. I’m going to remember her life and my fondest memories of her, which is hands down her filthy & infectious laugh. Which, thanks to time hop I was reminded of it a few short weeks ago. I’ll forever cherish that video.

So, for anyone reading this lucky enough to still have their Mother with them? Stay on the phone with her for a few moments longer. Hug her a little tighter. Go that extra mile to spoil her this Mother’s Day. Listen to her god awful music {my Mothers favourite was Westlife. I’m a metal head – can you imagine the ear bleeding!} because you know it makes her happy.
Mothers day without a MotherJust….appreciate her. She gave you life. And even, like mine that perhaps you’re estranged for whatever reason, maybe this is the time to make amends. To build a bridge, like my Mum & I did and make the most of each other. Because life is short. In fact, it’s much shorter than you think sometimes. 

D xx

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7 Comments

  1. 23/03/2017 / 11:05 PM

    This is a lovely post written from the heart. I am so sorry you lost such a big part of your life and didn’t get the chance to ‘celebrate’ together but I’ve little doubt that if it is at all possible she will be celebrating this sunday right beside you.
    Sorry for your dreadful loss.

  2. 24/03/2017 / 11:19 AM

    Its a tough one. And you are amazing to write about it all

  3. 24/03/2017 / 9:51 PM

    Sending love and hugs….Thinking of you. x

  4. Sophie
    25/03/2017 / 8:44 PM

    I too lost my mum almost 4 years ago very suddenly and I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to celebrate Mother’s Day. I’ve spent the last 3 hiding away feeling so jealous of those with mums forgetting that I’m a mum too and should be celebrating that with my little ones. It’s a void that can’t be filled no matter how hard you try. This year I’ve decided to just get on with it, I don’t want my children making sad memories of this day and I want to enjoy every minute I have with them doing all the things she would have done with them, that’s the best present I can give her… Big hugs to you Xxx

    • 28/03/2017 / 10:04 AM

      I am sorry sorry for the loss of your Mum too but I hope you made the most of Mother’s day! xx

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